Subj:	"An Off-Day in the Life..."
Date:	96-07-23 21:48:05 EDT
From:	dfortino@gate.net (Dolores Fortino)
Sender:	owner-ag-fanfic@stargame.org
Reply-to:	dfortino@gate.net
To:	ag-fanfic@stargame.org

I want to preface my story with a little warning that it may not be 
suitable for all Quilters. Dana has read the story and enjoyed it and 
volunteered the words below about the spirit in which it's 
intended. Matt is indeed made fun of (and to a very tiny extent so 
are the Quilters) and perhaps he's put in a bad light but it's not intended
to be taken seriously.

Dolores


FORWARD:
This story contains some good-humoured jokes at the expense of Dr. 
Matt and the Quilters. They are not suitable for flaming, as they are not 
mean, completely speculative and pretty funny, to boot. Enjoy!!  - Dana

                              "An Off-Day in the Life..."

	That damn cat. I shoulda left it up in that damn tree. But the
phone rings and Millie Perkins (Cecil's wife) gets hysterical in
my ear about gettin' that damn cat out of that damn tree and I
shoulda told her what she could do with it, but then I'd never
of heard the end from Cecil 'bout the trains not runnin' on time
and all that crap. And Ben's not around and Floyd's off gettin'
danish or doin' some useless Floyd thing that reminds me to
remind myself why I hired him in the first place and it's me or
nobody's gonna get that damn cat. So I'm headin' for my car when
here comes Mavis Taylor and that daughter of hers barrelin'
towards me like I'm the second comin' of Christ, which I...well,
that's another story.
	Now I had to be polite and all--Mavis heads up the Quiltin'
Circle and she's the only woman in the whole bunch with sense
enough to know a man when she sees one (the rest of 'em got
Yankee doctors on the brain--don't ask, I can't figure it out
either) so I can't brush her off cause them bein' misguided as
they are, those quiltin' ladies are still my people and me bein'
generous as I am, I'm willin' to give 'em another chance. And
Mavis is my only hope of makin' those women see the light about
me before they spend their hormones completely on that worthless
boy-man busybody. And that's a total waste of womanhood I can't
abide in my town.
	"Mornin', ma'am...Miss Sally. You ladies are shamin' the
sunshine this mornin'. Sets my heart racin' just to look at
you!" 
	That put color in Mavis' cheeks--flattery gets her every time.
Truth is, though, Sally does set a pulse racin'--she's got legs
up to you-just-gotta-find-out-where, bent just enough to make it
seem the most natural thing in the world to wanna slide on in
between 'em. And now she's smilin' at me like a bitch in heat--I
let her and she'd be on me in two seconds flat which'd be fine
'cept I promised her daddy I'd keep my distance from his little
darlin'. No way he lets Selena and her unsavory reputation teach
in his school 'less I promise to leave his daughter pure as the
the Virgin Mary. Now ordinarily I'd be leadin' the search for a
new school principal about an hour after he makes his ultimatum
but I figure every town oughta have at least one virgin and
since Merlyn passed on, Sally's about our only hope--except
Sally's definitely got other ideas on the subject and them ideas
definitely include me. Meanwhile Mavis Taylor's got in it in her
head that I need me a wife and 'course she can't think of a more
perfect candidate for the job than her sweet little Sally and
she's gonna make a match of us if it's the last thing she does
and if she don't get off my back about it, it just very well may
be. So here I got Mr. Taylor wantin' me to do nothin' and Mrs.
Taylor wantin' me to do the right thing and Sally Taylor just
wantin' me to do her, period, and it's a no win situation for me
but I gotta deal with 'em before I can get to that damn cat in
that damn tree.
	"Sheriff, Sally wants you to go down to Charleston with her,
don't you, baby?" 
	"Mama, I want the sheriff to go down, that's for sure.
Charleston's good a place as any." 
	Mavis is oblivious as usual to her little darlin's lustin'
heart so I make some sort of excuse about my schedule bein' full
up and I'm backin' away with Mavis dronin' in my ear 'bout how
handsome I'm lookin', which I am, and how a trip down to
Charleston is just what I need cause I work much too hard, which
I do, and how sweet and pretty her Sally is, which she is--well
pretty anyways, and finally I manage to crawl into my car with
Mavis standin' there still yammerin' at me and by this time I'm
actually lookin' forward to gettin' that damn cat out of that
damn tree when Caleb comes racin' up, poundin' on the car
window. He's yellin' about Ben and how he wants to turn the
siren on but Ben won't let him and by this time Ben's there too,
lookin' like he's about to cry, and he's goin' on about how that
boy of mine is gettin' outta hand and I'm tryin' to get him to
keep it down and not go blabbin' all over town about just who's
boy Caleb is and meanwhile Caleb's yellin' in my face.
	"He kicked me, Lucas, kicked me hard in the shin," and then
Ben's yellin' too.
	"You kicked me first, Caleb. Honest, Lucas, he kicked me first!
I told him I wasn't gonna let him drive the squad car down main
street with that siren blarin' and he kicked me. Come on, Lucas,
tell him he can't do that!"
	"You can't do that, Caleb." Damn, who knew this father crap
would be such a pain in the ass. Maybe Judith was onto somethin'
when she said no to me. Maybe I shouldn't of forced the issue.
And now Floyd's wavin' at me all frantic from the station door
so I get outta the car--gotta shove the car door for all it's
worth just to get Ben and Caleb to back off enough for me to
squeeze out and then gotta squeeze past Mavis still goin' on
about Charleston and gotta squeeze past Sally who's tryin' to
squeeze whatever of mine she can get hold of--and go see about
Floyd's problem. 
	"Look, Lucas, look at that!"
	"There's a bug in your coffee cup, Floyd. So throw it out and
get another cup."
	"Not a bug, Lucas. A termite! We got termites, Lucas, what're
we gonna do?"
	"Floyd, the word exterminator ring a bell with you?"
	Floyd gives me a look like I just solved the riddle of the
Sphinx and smiles that sappy, happy smile of his that normally I
find amusin' but I ain't in the mood for Floyd's single-digit IQ
today when even the double digit IQ in my employ is actin' like
Holly G. 
	So I solve the case of the caffeinated termites and I'm tryin'
to get back to the car and here comes Selena. Mavis eyes Selena
and Selena eyes Mavis and funny, now Caleb's eyein' Selena--time
to have a talk with that boy--and while they're all eyein' each
other Sally's got a tongue in my ear and one of them bent legs
of hers is pleasurin' itself all up and down the front of my
body. And I'm supposed to be thinkin' about gettin' a damned cat
out of a damned tree? So Selena finally eyes Sally and what
she's doin' to me and she says
	 "Mavis, you oughta get that whelp of yours neutered before 
she does it doggie-style right out here on the street." 
	Now Mavis is pissed at Selena cause she can't see Sally--
she's got her back turned and by the time she turns around Sally's 
got a smile on her face so sweet she makes Merlyn look like the
whore of Babylon. Meanwhile now I'm the one who's in heat and 
I wanna do Sally but course I can't so I figure I'll take Selena
back into the office but then suddenly there's Cecil standin'
there (his store's just two doors down) rantin' on and on about
his hysterical wife and her damn cat up in that damn tree and
he's had five phone calls already and what about the damn trains
on time--Cecil mentions those trains once more and I'm gonna
make sure the 5:15 sharp derails itself on Cecil tied to the
train tracks. 
	I gotta get away from Sally before she gets me goin' again 
and I gotta get that damn cat out of that damn tree cause I 
promised Millie Perkins and one thing I do is keep my promises 
even though right about now I'm feelin' like promisin' to send the
whole damn town of Trinity on a train trip to Hell, do not pass
go, and I'm lookin' for a way outta this circle of crazy people
(Ben and Caleb are spittin' at each other by now, by the way)
when all of a sudden the medical community is out in full force.
Matt's comin' down the street with Doctor Billy Bear and they
stop and Matt's askin' about some old notation he found in
Judith's chart where she came in with bruises and crap and
tellin' some doctor she'd been raped and what did I know about
that, and I'm tryin' to tell him to keep his voice down and
Selena's got lightbulbs goin' on in her head and she's gettin'
pissed cause I told her it was an accident and if I was gonna
plan to have a kid with anyone of course it would be her and all
of sudden she's not buyin' that anymore, so she's got her paws
all over Billy Boy right there out in the street for spite. And
Mavis ain't too crazy about that so she gets in Selena's face
about her draggin' down the public morals and her mother bein'
otherwise occupied gives Sally a chance to go back to work with
that leg. And I'm still tryin' to get to the car to get to that
damn cat in that damn tree but how'm I supposed to concentrate
with Sally slidin' that leg of hers up and down and across me at
angles it was never meant to go. So much as I hate to I gotta
get Sally off me--the things I do for my people's pets--and I
wave to Matt to help me get myself free but Matt's in some kind
of trance watchin' Sally do her thing, only knowin' Matt the way
I do I can't be sure it's Sally's thing or my thing he's
concentratin' on but whoever's thing it is, it's gettin' his
thing goin' big time, metaphorically speakin' anyway--Matt ain't
too well provided for in that department.
	And all of a sudden here comes Floyd.
	"Lucas! Lucas! You gotta get over to Mrs. Perkins' 
house!"
	"You can say that again, Floyd." 
	So Floyd says "Lucas, Lucas, you gotta get over to Mrs.
Perkins' house." 
	And I'm wonderin' all over again why I hired him and I 
stop him and say "Tell Mrs. Perkins I'm comin'." And I would 
be too (Sally's got one hell of a leg lift) if I didn't have to go over
and get that damn cat out of that damn tree. The hell with
Sally's daddy and our deal--Selena and Sally are eyein' each
other real careful now and sparks are startin' to fly and I
figure it wouldn't take much more'n a little conference in my
office to get the two of 'em sendin' them sparks my way and
comin' is just what I feel like doin' instead of goin' and
gettin' that damn cat out of that damn tree, but now Caleb's
heard about the cat and he's all worried so I gotta get over
there and do somethin'.
	"Mrs. Perkins fell out of a tree." 
	This came out of the blue from Floyd and I'm shakin' my 
head and sayin' "Floyd, it's Mrs. Perkins' cat that's up in the tree,
not Mrs. Perkins." 
	And Floyd says "That's right, Sheriff, the cat's up in the tree
and Mrs. Perkins went up after it and then she fell down and now
she's broke a hip." 
	And now I really gotta get over there and I gotta take the 
docwith me only Matt's off playin' with himself so I guess it's
gonna be Billy Boy and now Caleb wants to go cause he's worried
about the cat (at least he's not worried about Mrs.
Perkins--that's my boy!) and Ben says he's goin' cause Caleb
stole his lucky pen and he ain't lettin' him out of his sight
'til he gets it back, and Caleb's stickin' his tongue out and
Ben's stickin' his back and Sally's stickin' hers in whatever
body part of mine she can get close to and she wants to come
too, no kiddin'. And everybody piles into the car.
	So we pull up and there's Mrs. Perkins down there on 
the ground and that damn cat up in that damn tree. I can't send 
Ben up cause he's afraid of heights--not to mention cats--so I have 
to go up there myself and I'm climbin' up and all of a sudden
Merlyn's there on the top branch and she goes
	"Boo." 
	And the cat goes flyin' and clawin' and landin' on me and I
lose my balance and I start fallin' and suddenly I'm down on the
ground next to Mrs. Perkins. And Sally sees me lyin' there and
she thinks I'm invitin' her for a little roll in the hay so
she's on top of me faster'n I can say "pleasure-bent" and I
wouldn't mind except I think my arm's broke and Merlyn's
standin' over me laughin' until the hand of God comes down and
yanks her back to Kingdom Come and she gets chewed out for
performin' malicious mischief and meanwhile Sally's mama catches
on about her sweet little darlin sluttin' all over me and drags
her away and Selena's not speakin' to me cause of that little
matter about the rape and besides it don't look to her like I
tried too hard to fight off Sally Slut so she goes huffin' off
with Billy Bear and Caleb's not speakin' to me cause I landed on
the cat and squashed it dead. 
	So Ben finally gets me home and there's Merlyn standin' 
there and she's got to nurse me back to health as penance for 
what she did which is all right because it's just me and her and I
finally get to charm that white dress offa her and she ain't too
bad 'cept for those big feet of hers but now she wants it all
the time and I'm wiped out tired and Matt rings the doorbell
every hour on the hour with a fresh bowl of chicken soup and I
ain't slept in days. 
	I had that tree chopped down this mornin' and soon as I get
better I'll get around to buryin' that damn cat.