****************************
AMERICAN FENCES, PART I
****************************


Dear Gothnik Friends,

I was just looking at the new CBS Fall line-up, and I must 
say it's rather dismal.  So I've created a new show of my 
own.  My apologies to you in advance if I've trashed a show
 that you love, or praised one that you hate. But, as Caleb said, 
"This is *my* dream!" 

Hope you'll add some "episodes" of your own!

-Randall
 July 14, 1996

(Randall can be reached through the AG mailing list or the
MCA/Universal AG NetForum.)

****************************************
AMERICAN FENCES:  EPISODE 1, TEASER
(Guest starring Gary Marshall as Les Moonves)

The scene opens in Dr. Matt's office.  Matt has returned to 
the hospital and is packing the remainder of his belongings.  
His office door is open, and then SLAM Lucas closes the 
door and is revealed standing behind it.  Matt barely takes 
notice.

LUCAS:  "Where's the fire, Harvard?"

MATT:  (Continues packing.) "In case you hadn't noticed, 
Lucas, I've been gone for a while.  Fired as a matter of fact."

LUCAS:  (Sauntering toward Matt.)  "Well, now I wouldn't 
let a little thing like that stop me."

MATT:  (Finally looks Lucas in the eyes.)  "What do you 
want, Lucas?"

LUCAS:  "Only what's in your best interest."

MATT:  "And what's in it for you?"

Lucas reaches inside his black overcoat and brings out a 
test-tube vial.  He examines it, and then tosses it up in the 
air catching it just before it smashes on Matt's desk.

LUCAS:  "Justice."

****

A executive is sitting at his desk reading scripts written 
in several different colors of crayon.  His office is lavishly 
furnished.   On the desk, a brass paperweight is predominantly 
displayed.  It is made of three simpleton letters, CBS , which 
the audience will instantly recognize as "Continually Stupid 
Broadcasting."  The executive finally looks up from his
work right into the face of Sheriff Lucas Buck.

LES:  "Who the hell are you?  Oh, wait.  I canceled you, 
so it doesn't the hell matter.  Now get the hell out of here!"

LUCAS:  "You seem to know an awful lot about "Hell," 
Les.  So I should pretty much be a deja vu experience, 
wouldn't you say?"

Lucas pulls the glass vial out of his pocket and, once again, 
tosses it in the air, catching it before it falls.

LES:  "Hey, you're good!  Maybe I can find a spot for 
you on Tony Danza's new show, "Juggling Jug Head."

LUCAS:  (Ignoring Les and holding the vial above the desk.)  
"Do you know what this is?  No?  Well I'll tell you.  It's 
a government experiment in bacteriological warfare, designed 
to wipe out broadcasting stupidity.  99.4% lethal, they tell me."

LES:  "Who's 'they?'"

LUCAS:  "Let's just say I have friends in the FBI.  The 
truth *is* out there, and it's time to make a stand."

LES:  "And is that all you've got to say?"

LUCAS:  "Nope."

Lucas once again tosses the vial into the air, but this 
time it smashes onto Les's desk.

LUCAS:  "Oops."

Les dies a violent, bloody, painful death.  When it's over, 
the camera pans upward toward the ceiling vent.

LUCAS:  "I always knew there was a problem with the 
ventilation around these places."

The music swells  Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear 
the Reaper."  The camera leaves Lucas and pans through 
the vent, visiting room after room.  Everyone in CBS is 
dead.  And it was painful.  Very painful.  Opening credits 
roll.


*********************************************
AMERCAN FENCES  EPISODE 1, SERIES PREMIERE
(Ray Walston co-stars as Judge Henry Bone.)

The town folk of Rome, Wisconsin suddenly find themselves 
evicted and in need of a new place to live.  So they move to 
Ascension, South Carolina -- lock, stock, picket fences, and 
Emmy's.  The scene opens on the border of Ascension and 
a neighboring town, Trinity.  Judge Henry Bone is walking 
down the middle of the road toward another man  a tall man 
in a black overcoat.

JUDGE BONE:  (Stopping within inches of Lucas Buck's 
face.)  "You must be Sheriff Lucas Buck."

LUCAS:  "Just call me the `Welcome Wagon _ Judge."

JUDGE BONE:  (Shooting off one of his trademark "shut 
up" glares.)  "I have some business with you, Sheriff.  You're 
pretty well-known around these parts, and I want an agreement 
from you that Ascension is left in peace. We've been through a 
lot lately, as I'm sure you can relate to all too well."

LUCAS:  "So you're asking for a deal?"

JUDGE BONE:  "No deal, Sheriff.  I'm telling you the way 
it's going to be."

LUCAS:  (Considering Henry's words for a moment.)  "Nice 
backbone, Henry. And for that, I respect the hell out of you."

JUDGE BONE:  (Recognizing this as a genuine compliment, 
Henry is momentarily at a loss for words.)  "Well.  Uh, thank 
you."  (As an afterthought.)  "And I've always liked your vests."

LUCAS:  "Thanks.  I'll send Wardrobe over.  Your Sheriff 
Brock's been lookin' like a fashion faux pas lately."

Both men nod and start to turn away.

LUCAS:  "Henry!  Don't be sendin' none of your 
courtroom reprobates over this way.  Unless you don't 
care what happens to them."

JUDGE BONE:  "I'll remember that, Lucas."


**************************************
AMERICAN FENCES - EPISODE TWO:  
"Dr. Quinn, Meddlin' Woman"
(Jane Seymour and her hair guest-star as Dr. Quinn.)

Dr. Quinn has found a way to stop the aging process 
using various herbs and spices.  She is forced to move 
from town to town in search of these miracle plants, 
and now finds herself in Ascension, SC.  Dr. Jill Brock 
discovers that Dr. Quinn is beginning to move in on her 
medical practice, and is also operating without a license.  
Dr. Quinn  is brought to trial before Judge Bone and is 
found guilty of previously acting in a really stupid show 
based on poorly researched medical history.

JUDGE BONE:  "Dr. Quinn, you are hereby sentenced 
to a week of community service in our neighboring town 
of Trinity."

DR. QUINN:  (Overacting.)  "Thank you, your honor.  
Your sentence is more than fair."

Judge Bone simply smiles as he lowers his gavel.

****

Dr. Quinn is seen picking up trash along the Trinity main 
road.  She is alone, until she turns around and comes face-
to-face with the local town sheriff.

LUCAS:  (Holding something behind his back.)  "Evenin', 
Dr. Quinn.  Learnin' the error of your ways?"

DR. QUINN:  "I should have known better than to try to 
cure someone other than myself from the aging process 
with my special blend of herbs and spices."

Lucas is clearly irritated by the bad acting and script 
writing, and reveals the shovel he has been holding behind 
his back.  

LUCAS:  "Cure this!"

As the camera fades to black, the audience hears a dull 
"thunk."


********************************************
AMERICAN FENCES - EPISODE THREE:  
"Walker, Texas Jug Head"
(Guest stars:  Chuck Norris and his ego)

Walker is in need of a vacation and visits Trinity, SC.  He 
is in town no more than one minute when confronted by 
an irritated Lucas Buck holding a shovel.

LUCAS:  "You are one sorry excuse for a character, and 
I ain't wastin' an hour of my time on this episode."

Fade to black.  Thunk.


*********************************************
AMERICAN FENCES - EPISODE FOUR:  
"Dr. Dick's Last Dunk"
(Guest Stars:  Cybill Sheppard and Christine Baranski)

Cybill and her friend Maryanne visit Trinity, SC.  Cybill is 
shooting a commercial for feminine hygiene products; 
Maryanne came along for the southern booze.  After 
dismissing Gail in the Trinity local bar as "something the 
cat hacked up," Maryanne sees Lucas for the first time.
Smitten by lust, Maryanne invites Lucas back to her 
motel room for a little "Luau for Two-au."  Lucas is 
clearly amused by the wit and originality of Maryanne's 
dialogue and, as a token of respect, offers to do-in 
Maryanne's ex-husband, Dr. Dick.

Lucas and Maryanne are naked in bed.  Camera pans 
in toward Lucas for a close-up.

LUCAS:  "Maybe I could take Dr. Dick out for a little 
drive.  Trinity's got some real nice bridges.  Oh, and 
Maryanne?  I respect the hell out of you and your friend.  
When Cybill is finished shooting that commercial, why
don't the two of you head over to FOX.  I hear people 
at FOX take care of their own."

Camera continues to pan on Lucas's various close-ups for 
the remainder of the hour.

***********************************************
AMERICAN FENCES - EPISODE FIVE:  "Hardly Perfect"
(Co-starring Tom Skerrit as Sheriff Brock, and Fyvush Finkle 
as Douglas Waumbaugh.)

Nancy Travis and her boyfriend, Stepford Beefcakes, visit 
Ascension as a possible locale for Travis's cop show, 
"Dumbasses in Blue."  In the local diner, Travis runs into 
Sheriff Jimmie Brock.

TRAVIS:  "Oh, you must be like, you know, the local 
sheriff and all.  Wow! So cool!  So like, do you like 
have to shoot bad guys and stuff?"

BROCK:  "Ms. Travis, you are under arrest for 
perkiness and the bastardization of the English 
language."

(Standing up from a nearby table we see defense 
attorney Douglas Waumbaugh.)

WAUMBAUGH:  "Douglas Waumbaugh representing 
the "Perky!"

JUDGE BONE:  (Standing up from yet another table.)  
Waumbaugh!  Don't even bother.  (Turning to the 
handcuffed Ms. Travis.)  Ms. Travis, you are found 
guilty on the charges of excessive perkiness and language 
bastardization. And your boyfriend is found guilty of 
being dimmer than a five-watt bulb. You are both 
sentenced to life-time community service in Trinity
.
BROCK:  "Henry, isn't a life-time sentence a little 
extreme?"

JUDGE BONE:  "Don't worry, Jimmy.  It's shorter 
than you think.  Do me a favor and drive them over to 
the Fulton County Sheriff's office.  And bring Lucas a 
new shovel.  His old one's wearing out."


*********************************************
AMERICAN FENCES - EPISODE SIX:  
"A Very Martha Trinity"
Martha Stewart visits Trinity and pays a visit to Sheriff Buck.

MARTHA:  "Sheriff Buck, how very nice to meet you.  And 
what a lovely vest you're wearing.  I make all my own clothes, 
you know.  Natural fiber vests are one of my specialties, you 
know.  First, I plant the cotton in a field I hand-tilled with the 
tools I made from the metal I mined from my own quarry and 
smelted in the workshop I built.  After tending the cotton, I 
spin it into thread on the spindle I built from the wood I 
chopped down from the forest that I also planted and 
tended.  Then I weave the thread on the loom, which of 
course I also built to create a lovely 380 thread-count fabric.
For the silk lining, I raise Japanese silk worms which I selected 
myself by traveling to Japan on the ocean liner I built and 
interior decorated."

LUCAS:  (Clearly bored, and VERY irritated.)  Ms. Stewart, 
I bet you'd like a little tour of what we folks around here in 
Trinity raise for pleasure and profit.

MARTHA:  Why yes, Sheriff, that would be a very 
good thing.

Lucas leads Martha Stewart down a hallway and through 
a door.  A beetle scuttles across the floor.  The camera 
zooms in for a close-up to the nameplate above the door.  
It reads "Flensing Room."


*********************************************
AMERICAN FENCES - EPISODE SEVEN:  
"Mr. & Mrs. Smith Season Premiere /Finale"

CBS executives didn't die in time to prevent their "brilliant" 
new comedy from being in the Fall line-up, nor from stopping 
the teasers which interrupted every "American Gothic" 
commercial break.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith, starring Scott Bakula, visit Trinity 
on a case.  Mrs. Smith, who looks annoyingly like a blonde 
Paige Turco, drops dead of a heart attack when Merly, 
mistaking her for Gail, appears to her in a vision and tries 
to comfort her over the loss of her baby.  Mr. Smith, 
overcome with grief for his dead wife, goes to the local 
bar to drown his sorrows -- where he meets Selena.

SELENA:  (Bending over the table, showing off her 
remarkable cleavage.) "Darlin', ain't you a sight for sore 
eyes."

MR. SMITH:  (Instantly forgetting that his wife just died.)  
"Whoa mama!!"

SELENA:  "Well your vocabulary is limited, but I can 
sense your potential."

Selena takes Mr. Smith to a deserted cabin in the woods, 
where she proceeds to handcuff him to a bed.

(Fade out.  Fade back in.)  Time has passed.  Selena 
arises from the bed with a sheet wrapped around her.

SELENA:  "Can I get you something to help quench 
that thirst of yours? (Pause.  No reply from Mr. Smith.)  
What's the matter?  Cat got your tongue?"

Mr. Smith tries to say something, but all he can do is 
mumble.  We now see that blood is dripping from his 
mouth, and know that a cat had nothing to do with what 
he's missing.

SELENA:  "Oh, right.  Silly me!  `Sol' used to warn me 
not to play too rough_."

Fade to black.  TV screen reads, "'Mr. and Mrs. Smith' 
is on indefinite hiatus.  We have no news of when it will be 
returning to our prime-time line up."

*****************************************
AMERICAN FENCES - EPISODE EIGHT:  
"'The Cos' Stops Here."

Once again we see the familiar sight of Judge Henry 
Bone walking down the middle of the road toward the 
Trinity border and Sheriff Lucas Buck.  Only this time, 
the Judge is accompanied by - no!  It can't be!  Yes, 
folks, it's Bill Cosby!  (For some reason Cosby is 
clutching a toy telephone receiver in his right hand.)

JUDGE BONE:  (Stopping within inches of Lucas's 
face.)  "Do something with him Lucas.  NOW!"

LUCAS:  "I did.  I sent him over to Ascension.  What 
are you draggin' his sorry ass back here for?"

JUDGE BONE:  "Because I'm sick of his face.  And 
he keeps talking into this damn toy phone, telling me 
he's returning to TV to play a cranky old judge, 
presiding over a cast of talented, brilliant, and 
charmingly quirky characters."

LUCAS:  "Well I like that a hell of a lot better then 
when he told me he was returning to TV to play a 
charming, yet evil, sheriff of a small southern
town, who controls the most gifted and talented 
cast, crew, writers, and producers since the 
invention of television."

COSBY:  (Talking into his phone.) "Can I say 
something?"

LUCAS AND JUDGE:  "NO!!!"

LUCAS:  "Seems like you have a problem that 
needs fixin', Henry.  Need my assistance again?"

JUDGE BONE:  "No, Lucas, WE have a problem."

LUCAS:  "I'm impressed Henry.  Didn't think you 
had it in you.  I thought you were on the side of "Good."

JUDGE BONE:  "I am.  Now hand me one of 
those shovels."

Lucas hands Henry his second shovel.  Cosby has 
his "Oh, No!" Jello pudding look on his face.

LUCAS:  "Care to have the honor of  first 'thunk', 
Henry?"

JUDGE BONE:  "Thank you, Lucas.  Don't mind 
if I do."

The camera slowly fades to black.  THUNK.  
THUNK.  THUNK


*******************************
AMERICAN FENCES:  EPILOGUE
(With special guest appearances from "Touched by 
an Angel's" Roma Downey and Della Reese)

Judge Bone and Sheriff Lucas Buck are walking down 
the same country road, this time side-by-side, each 
holding a shovel.

JUDGE BONE:  "Thanks, Lucas, for finding jobs for 
those out-of-work Chicago Hope doctors."

LUCAS:  "Well, people have pretty much been dropping 
like flies around here.  Dr. Matt needed some extra help.  
Now about that Jessica Fletcher woman.."

JUDGE BONE:  "None of that, Lucas!  She's just looking 
for a nice place to retire after CBS screwed her out of a 
job.  She can live in Ascension."

LUCAS:  "She'd better not come pokin' her nose 
around here."

JUDGE BONE:  "I've already talked to her.  Just 
don't go killing her nieces, nephews, or friends and she 
won't bother you.  By the way, Brock asked me to
tell you to keep Caleb away from his son, Zachary.  
Thinks he's an evil influence."

LUCAS:  "With any luck he will be.  Take it up with Merly.  
She thinks Zachary's piousness will rub off on Caleb and 
do him some good."

JUDGE BONE:  "Hear we have a new celebrity writer 
in town."

LUCAS:  "That King fella?  Pulled him over yesterday 
for speeding.  Had the nerve to tell me, 'I wrote you into 
this world, and I can write you out of it.'  Pulls out one 
of them  Berol Black Beauty pencils from his coat pocket
and signs the ticket 'Randall Flagg.'  Can't say I much 
like his style."

JUDGE BONE:  (Laughing.)  "I wouldn't worry, Lucas.  
He's your number-one fan.  Moved down here from Maine 
because he was running out of things to write about.  You 
should keep him busy for years to come.  (Pause.  The 
two men continue walking.)  So I guess between the two 
of us, we pretty much have things back in control around 
here."

LUCAS:  (Claps Henry on the back.)  "Don't count on 
it yet, Judge.  I hear Tony Danza's in next Fall's line-up 
and OJ's been checkin' out our local real estate."

Lucas and Henry continue walking down the road, and 
soon all the audience can see is their backs.  Their voices 
fade.  The music swells - from W.G. Snuffy Walden's 
soundtrack for a popular TV mini-series.  From behind a
tree, two women, bathed in white light, step out to observe 
the men's departure.

TESS:  "Well, Ms. Wings.  Looks like God's work has 
been done."

MONICA:  "He does work in mysterious ways."

TESS:  "That He does, child, that He does."

MONICA:  (Pointing to Cosby in the middle of the road.  
Cosby is talking into his toy telephone trying to get an 
interview with Kathie Lee Gifford.) "Will he be all right, 
Tess?"

TESS:  "Don't worry Monica.  No real actors were hurt 
during the filming of this series.  Our work here is done.  
Now it's time for us to go home."

MONICA:  "To God, Tess?"

TESS:  "Heaven's no, child!  To FOX!"

Tess and Monica turn to leave, and a white dove flies up 
into the air from the wake of their footsteps.


*********************
Dear AG Forum Friends,

I have enjoyed this Forum and hearing from all of 
you.  Thank you for the laughter, your points of view, 
for putting up with my "bitter" moods, and tolerating 
my "other obsession."

To the cast and crew of "American Gothic," you have 
touched the hearts, minds, and souls of your viewers.  
Perhaps you were ahead of your time, perhaps the 
average American viewer wasn't up to the "challenge."  
But I believe that you have forged the way for television 
in the future.  And for that, we will never forget you.

To Ray Walston, from "Picket Fences" and the mini-
series, "The Stand," you are one of the most gifted 
actors of our time.  I look forward to your next "adventure."

To Lucas Black, you are the most talented young 
actor I have ever had the pleasure of watching.  I 
know that your future is bright, and look forward 
to watching your career unfold. 

And to Gary Cole You convey more in one glance than 
most actors can in an entire movie.  Yes, I will miss you 
most of all, but also know that we will see you again 
soon and you will delight us, as always!

-Randall


****************************
AMERICAN FENCES, PART II
****************************

Special NetForum correspondent, Lancaster, writes: 

NEWS FLASH***NEWS FLASH***NEWS FLASH 
FROM THE DESK OF THE ASSOCIATED PRESS 

In one of the most stunning movements taken by any 
network to date, CBS has canceled the show "American 
Fences" after only 10 minutes. When the show, hailed by 
critics as interesting, thought provoking, intellectually
challenging and innovative, went to a commercial break 
the network promptly canceled it and replaced it with 
reruns of "Walker, Texas Ranger". CBS executives 
could not reached for comment, however sources close 
to the network reveal that they were concerned that 
the show would be to "advanced" for the average viewer. 
Additionally, a poll taken of 3 Nielson families during the 
show revealed that they were watching the 5th rerun of 
the ABC TV movie "Urkel takes it Step by Step". When 
asked their opinion of "American Fences" the Nielson 
families asked what that was. It is important to note
that CBS did virtually no advertising for the show and 
also broadcast it on a different time and day then originally 
announced. 


NEWS FLASH***NEWS FLASH***NEWS FLASH 
FROM THE DESK OF THE ASSOCIATED PRESS 

A beaming CBS today announced ratings for the newly 
introduced "Cosby Entertainment Hour".  The TV show 
features entertainer/pudding mistier Bill Cosby playing 
the role of a huggable, lovable everyday kind of guy while 
various stars take turns playing his wife and children. This 
week's episode starred First Lady Hilary Clinton as Bill's 
wife with MacCauley Caulkin making his TV debut as Bill's 
lovable but troubled son. The show while panned by every 
critic in America has proven to be an enormous hit. It 
debuted as number 1, with ratings double it's nearest 
competitors Friends and ER. The "Cosby Entertainment 
Hour" replaced the critically acclaimed  but recently canceled 
"American Fences" a show considered to be too intellectual
for the average viewer.


NEWS FLASH***NEWS FLASH***NEWS FLASH 
FROM THE DESK OF THE ASSOCIATED PRESS 

In a tragic turn of events the body of entertainer/pudding 
meister Bill Cosby was found drowned in a large vat of 
lemon Jell-O. Mr. Cosby who was as famous for his family 
values as he was for his TV shows was apparently with 
a female companion at the time of the tragedy. Impressions 
of a female form were found over top of the body in the 
Jell-O vat. After an FBI investigation, during which a body 
mold of the Jell-O impression was used, Ms. Selena 
Coombs was taken into custody. Ms. Coombs was 
released after a coroners investigation found that Mr. 
Cosby died of natural cauat the significance of the letter 
"B" that was also impressed into the Jell-O is.

************************************

Caleb woke up suddenly and sat bolt upright in bed. 
The press releases  were only a bad dream. The news 
of the mysterious CBS deaths had been all over FOX. 
Merly told Caleb that Lucas was responsible, and that 
two mysterious FBI agents had given Lucas "the power." 
Power that was contained in a tiny glass vial. It was hard 
for Caleb to imagine Lucas needing any more power
than he already had, but it was harder for him to believe 
that Merly would lie. 

Caleb got out of bed and headed for the bathroom. He 
leaned over the sink and splashed cold water in his face. 
As he raised his head from the sink to look in the mirror, 
the awful truth hit him -- CBS was really dead, all quality 
programming had moved to FOX -- but Bill Cosby was 
still alive!! Alive and kickin' on "Regis and 'I-don't-run- 
no-sweat-shop' Kathie Lee." 

Caleb splashed more water on his face and headed 
downstairs. The grandfather clock softly chimed midnight. 
Caleb headed for Ms. Holt's living room sofa, turning the 
TV on along the way. A FOX news recap was playing. 

"And each member of the cast of 'Friends' is asking 
for $100,000 per episode. Negotiations are still in the 
early stages, and it is not yet known if demands will be 
met or contracts broken.

"The investigation into the CBS tragedy continued 
today as...." 

Caleb grabbed the remote and shut off the TV. 

"Hell. Cosby and 'Friends' don't make for pleasant 
dreams, neither!  Might as well go back to bed," Caleb 
half muttered to himself. He started to head back to his 
room when a familiar voice, speaking from the shadows, 
stopped him. 

"Neither does Rush Limbaugh, son." Lucas stepped out 
into what little moonlight shone through the windows -- as 
usual, making the most out of a dramatic moment. "But I 
believe that every opportunity presents a learnin' 
situation . . . don't you?" 


***********************
TO BE CONTINUED ???
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